A busy time at work; applying for my position for another one year contract (the joys of the teaching world!), sitting on panels for others to apply for various leadership positions in the school (little bit ironic when I don't necessarily have a concrete position that I am assisting select who leads the school next year!!), beginning to write student reports (I'll admit, the temptation to copy and paste is very real!), signing up and commencing a new one year course through the Integrative Institute of Nutrition (IIN), completing the final two days of my Personal Training workshops over the weekend (after an early morning run or swim both days), and then coming home to several family dinners (still sharing in the celebrations of our recent engagement), school visits to provide information to perspective students for next year, squeezing in a bit of time to write a blog or two and study for my upcoming Pilates exam, thinking about where to even begin in our wedding planning, babysitting and then....there is life to fit in somewhere!!!
It's safe to say that come Monday morning (today), I am exhausted!!!
Over the past 7 months, I've been completing course after course and planning to set up a business of my own, with the hope of one day being able to do this full time. I've loved the excitement that comes with planning, making something out of nothing and having the feeling that you jump out of bed each day knowing that you are following your passions. The notion of flexibility in working hours, as well as the ability to challenge myself in something that is dear to my heart in working with health and fitness specifically excites me.
The more course work I have completed, the closer I feel that I am getting to my goal and that certainly creates a feeling of butterflies and anticipation of how life might look like when I get to do the things that I have dreamed of for years and get paid for it!!
It was only 3 days ago that I had a conversation with my Fiancee about feeling on top of things and not too run-down with my 'to-do list'. Although after the weekend, I am actually wetting my pants and starting to do cartwheels with my thoughts! I've felt a headache brewing since Saturday afternoon - as usual I've tried to do everything and I thought it might help to have a few beers or glasses of wine. Nope.
When I got home on Sunday afternoon with aching muscles from dead lifts, squats, weights and circuit training sessions during the two day P.T course, my Fiancee said 'Oh, we're going to my Brother's place for a couple of hours'. Normally - this is great! We haven't seen them in ages and the need to show off my fancy engagement ring was high - but I think this last 'rush' just tipped my anxiety and ability to cope over the edge. I didn't mean to sound grumpy - but I felt like if I said anything out loud I would either burst into tears or I would get a bit on the snappy side. So, instead I remained quiet, smashed down my packed tuna salad, changed my clothes and jumped in the car. I think by this stage - I'd gasped for air and made 'everything is an effort' sighing noises about 25 times - matched by some funny looks by my Fiancee in the car seat next to me (I must admit, my Mum used to do this to us which would make us feel guilty for breathing or just being around - not a comfortable place to be let me tell you!).
After having a discussion about the 'wedding plans' with my Fiancee's brother and sister in law, we toyed with a few ideas which made me want to get it organised (well - realistically there is a sense of urgency to get a date locked in to make sure we get the planning time and venue that we want). When we got back home I felt like my 'to do' list had just grown ten fold and I wanted my Fiancee to start looking with me - at the same time, I didn't want to be too pushy or 'bridezilla-like' because this wasn't what our relationship was like - it was very loving, warm, caring and laid back.
When my man left for work - I was onto it like a flash. You know when you look so deep and put so much attention into something, the more stressful it gets?? It's like the more information and knowledge you gain about something, the less able you are to make a good choice!
There were pros and cons for everything, which made my indecisiveness scream from the anxiety!
At this stage I am feeling a bit nervous - we haven't planned anything and are at the very beginning stages of the big event. Maybe this wedding thing is seriously stressful after all! I was hoping it would be a relaxed and fun experience!
I take a big breath.
In between the wedding thoughts, I was worrying about how this passion I had developed and knowledge I had gained from the courses I had completed, together with the desire to make my dream of working with young women in health, wellness and fitness would fit into my life. On one hand - I needed to have a solid income to be able to pay for this upcoming wedding, buy a house in the next couple of years and hopefully start a family.
The butterflies were certainly here and I feel as if my head is about to explode.
When I got home yesterday afternoon, the care ride home had me thinking about how I was going to plan the rest of my afternoon and week to fit the things I needed to get done in. I thought maybe yesterday I would write another blog, I would get a start on finishing the paperwork (assignments) of the P.T course, and I would give the house a bit of a clean (it has developed into a bit of a den that only we hide our mess in - maybe not so much for visitors!!) and try and have a little bit of time to just get my head a little more relaxed. When I got home, I was brought back to the reality that trying to fit in this new 'dream career' may not be so easy. The spare time I had on my days off (if I wasn't doing another course day, completing training hours at the Pilates studio or studying), should be spent enjoying the beautiful relationship and family I had in front of me. I started to wonder whether this new career was possible, given that my income needs to be comfortable and that sometimes I had to just let my plans fall by the wayside to make sure I get a bit of time with my Fiancee and future step - son (who is only with us on weekends).
In the car-ride home, I was feeling inspired and contemplated getting back into triathlons (I was already running and getting back into swimming) - but as soon as I returned home, the thought of how to fit EVERYTHING in hit a brick wall.
I guess it was the build up of frustration that was squeezing and tugging at my head and heart - the constant battle between doing the things that made me feel alive and living in reality.
It was nobody's fault, but mine. Yes - as you have probably gathered, I have taken on quite a bit this year as my perfectionist and 'high achieving' personality drive my thought processes.
I love my life, and everything in it. Perhaps sometimes planning and organisation can only get you so far - sometimes you just have to let life take it's course. if it's the right course for you, it will happen.
In the meantime - don't forget to smell the roses. A life full of possibility is at your doorstep, but you will only find it if you stop to have a look at it. For now, I'll just keep focusing on the things that make me feel alive and happy, and let the rest happen.
That's what i'm trying to keep in mind anyway........XXxx
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