I would fall asleep thinking about which wedding dress to choose, freaking out about the direction of my career, worrying about what part-time job I might have to take up, how I was going to afford to buy a house by the end of the year, who was in my bridal party, what clothes I was going to wear to my business meeting in two days, whether I should join up with the run club I was looking into last week, whether I was worthy of being the wife of the amazing man I am soon to marry and step-mum of his 5 year old son.....
As you can see - my thoughts were so erratic - that I slept for an hour, woke for an hour, slept for an hour, got up to go to the toilet in the hope that a stretch of the legs might make me want to go back to a sound sleep, lay in bed too hot to sleep, slept for another hour........finally going back to sleep but waking up as if I'd been up partying all night - baaaahhhhh.
Don't I ever listen to what I preach to everyone else?
Come on Ash - take a sweet little chill pill and stop the ferris wheel from churning at full pace through your brain!!!
Somewhere along the chaos of last week - I'd gone from an 'in control', relaxed, self aware, confident, organised and happy woman - into a whirly, anxious, over-thinking and over-analysing every possible outcome ball of mess!
My trigger was the fact that i was busy, trying to fit in everything, whilst comparing myself to how my subconscious brain thought I should be handling things - which to it, it needed to be completely perfect to everyone......somehow it had held onto the idea that I was not and it made me internally uneasy in myself.
Like anyone with a self diagnosed 'crazy brain'; also known as anxiety, worry, perfectionism, a preoccupation with being super successful in everything and a constant comparison of how others might see me - you generally get spooned out a few other 'feel-good' treats - bloating, an irritable bowl, headaches, loss of appetite (or sugar cravings to fill the void of the extra thinking energy your brain is using!), short tempered, feeling a sense of unease or frustration that won't go away, a decrease in energy levels, fatigue, broken sleep and that feeling of guilt that you're not your usual self, which you worry will effect those loved ones around you.
So - this morning - I set my alarm for 6am, work up determined to beat this 'scallywag' of a brain and calm my thoughts to get back to the successful, hopeful and positive sister that I had taught myself to be.
I got myself up for a run, leaving my I-pod at home. I ran out the from door in my favourite pair of bright coloured tights & running singlet (bright colours add to extra feel-good hormones in my opinion!) and made a conscious effort to take in the smell of the fresh morning air, the vision of the pink sunset coming over the silhouette of the city, the feel of the grass and gravel underneath my feet as I ran.
I then returned home to take 20minutes of yoga-like stretching, ate a nourishing bowl of oats, fresh berries, yogurt & pumpkin seeds, journaled five things that i was grateful for in my life and wrote down all the things that i was worrying about (which to share and 'vent' is such an underrated way to take a huge weight off your shoulders - minus having to a) put a burden on anyone else and b) not having to down a whole bottle of Pinot Grigio to quiet your mind!).
Just like that - I felt calm, in control, I felt a sense of optimism in what the week ahead was going to bring, I suddenly felt as if all of those unclear decisions I had made the centre-piece of my presence over the past few days were so much more clear, rational and even 'solved'.
As I wrote this blog, it made me reflect on how far i had really come over the past five or ten years. At my lowest point in my life - I was bed-ridden, malnourished, consumed in depression & anxiety which was caused by my 'internal need' to be amazing to everyone and everything.......which I now realise was simply the weakness of my own internal compass letting my 'negative thoughts' take over any sense of real.
I am not un-worthy.
I am good enough.
I am me - I am safe - I am able to trust that the world is simply unfolding the way it should and that wasting energy worrying about not being where I or someone else thought I should be in this point in time is a waste of time and energy.
I deserve to let myself open up to the possibilities of the world around me, to take on the challenges or changes in my life that I dream of and to know that I will ALWAYS be loved.
I learnt that I am important.
I matter and having the ability to acknowledge this as well as the 'negative pull' that fear can sometimes have if you don't listen to your heart, can be not only all-consuming but also can cause incredible burnout, exhaustion and leave you feeling as if you are living a life that your are 'stuck' in, unfulfilled and with a sense of being lost from this incredible world that everyone else seems to be living in.
It took me a hell of a long time to figure this out and to figure out where to even start to get to the point where i felt like I belonged and I was truly happy.
Like me - YOU deserve this.
Let me help you and support you through this journey.
Xxx
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