I had been ill over the weekend, and was absent from work completing my Wellness Coaching Level 1 and 2 courses on Friday - which left me taking leave Friday through to Wednesday. While I spent time at home with the remnants of a gurgley, groaning and 'gushing' (yes - I just said gushing and stomach in the same sentence!!)- in my mind I had somehow developed a sense of anxiety.
I was anxious about going back to work, anxious about that other staff would think of me being away, anxious of the workload and anxious about a lot of completely irrelevant things (back to the questioning - do I want to do this job forever? What do I plan on doing next year if I am not in my current role? How am I going to develop my own business? Will I have enough money and training to do the things I need to?)....ARGH!
I felt my shoulders shrugging, my stomach tying itself in knots, my head starting to throb, my jaw starting the clench, my usual relaxed and humorous personality was getting a little short (sorry lovely Boyfriend!!) while I was building a vision in my mind of the environment I was going to walk into tomorrow.
My energy's turned into opening up my laptop and doing as much work as I could on the business plan I had started to envisage while at the Wellness Coaching Course. The anxiety was compressed into this idea that if I kept my brain occupied and extremely busy, then I would feel productive and there would be less chance of me needing to feel anxious.....This helped for a few hours.
I then turned to researching on the internet the type of thing that I could do as either extra training, work or finding a mentor to assist me in figuring out what i was doing with myself!! Ha - just letting you know, I am 30 so I don't think this is a mid-life crisis, as much as it sounds like this last year has been!
I finally got myself into bed after some comfort eating for dinner (I may or may not have turned to an overly cheesy pizza, and some ice cream WITH chocolate melted on top of it...amazingly, no wine had been touched - if only it was in the fridge!!), and forced myself to listen to some meditation while I curl into the covers with a racing mind. 'You are supported', 'Nothing is going to happen to you in this place'. I drifted into a deep sleep.
As the alarm went off at 5.15am, I jumped out of bed and headed out the front door with my runners and compression tights on for a nice, energizing and mind clarifying run before work.
I ran, showered, ate my 'superfood breakfast' and drove off to work.From 5.15am, through to 8.30am (when class officially started), I had to self talk my way into going to work. It wasn't easy, but I got there and when 3.30pm came, I had made it through a full day of work unscathed!
One thing that i did take from the Coaching course, through practicing Coaching with the other participants, when I was saying the 'obstacles' or things that were concerning me aloud - many of them were either unsubstantiated, irrelevant, things that were able to be over-come or purely reasons that i had built up in my mind because I wanted whatever it was that i was doing to be doing REALLY well. The notion of really well had been bouncing back and forth with my inner critique that lies dormant (but yet subconsciously, and sneakily active at the best of times!), in saying that 'I am not good enough'.
So here I have one energetic and enthusiastic hat that wants to be the best at whatever I do, while the other retaliates and says'but hey - you're not good enough' - so fairly sure this eventuates to the outcome always being 'I will never be able to do an amazing job at what i choose to do'.
In real terms - obviously this is completely unhelpful for any situation. It is a thought process that will never allow me to be completely confident, satisfied and being strong enough to face and complete the challenges I set for myself.
Some of my concerns lay with not finishing things I start - courses, plans, visions etc. Who can blame me with a thought process like mine!!!
Earlier that week we had to express interest and apply for Leading positions within my place of work. I applied - but for a slight step down in 'Team leader assist'. My mindset was still stuck on the fact that I wasn't good enough to apply for the full position, which I had been doing for the past year - without too many hiccups.
The funny thing was - the next day, I was approached by 3 of the people who I admire in the role I am doing most - asking why I didn't apply for the Full Team leader. They were genuinely surprised and couldn't understand why I didn't, re-enforced to me the skills that I had, and that I was hugely under-selling myself. Eventually, after some more 'self talk', I applied for the full position.
From the negative mindset of worry, anxiety and a severe lack of confidence, to people approaching me with compliments and the outcome of me challenging myself - it was a complete shift!
So - what can I take away from this?
Listen to your thoughts. Then reflect on whether they are helpful or not. Think about the evidence to prove that this thought can be substantiated. MOST of the time they can't. At least this can then give your mind the green light to look ahead and continue on it's merry way in doing what you set out to.
Doubting yourself and your own abilities only leads to anxieties and negative thought patterns; which eventually lead to you blocking out all of the positives and possibilities around you.
Of course, we all have days when we take two or three steps back, but we have to keep in mind that as long as we continue trying - those two or three steps back lead to one or more steps forward. As small as they may be, those goals can always be reached - but the key is in your mindset.
A strong mind makes for an incredibly strong, successful person.
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