Decisions - if they never had to be made, I would be happy! Those close to me would understand just how indecisive I am (and I'm sure it's hereditary as my Mum and Sister are exactly the same - driving their partners crazy!). Not just about big decisions (career moves, where to live, where to start when looking to start a business), but even the smallest of the small types of decisions.
In recent times, I have been at the stage that it has even caused small arguments and tears were called upon to try and fix the situation with my Beautiful Fiancee because I just can't choose!!
Here are a few examples of my conundrum.... a couple of weekends ago we were walking the streets for a place to go to for breakfast after a night out (yes, I admit - a little seedy and hungover after the wicked engagement celebrations of a friend which did not help things!), my man would look to me and question 'how about this one?', 'This one?', 'or maybe here?'. The choices were there, it should've just been a matter or saying 'yeah, smashed avocado on sourdough' - but in my mind - the more we looked the harder it was. We were both starving and getting quite 'hungry' to say the least, and my prolonging of our sustenance was making things uncomfortable. Before long my very patient boyfriend got agitated and bluntly said 'Oh - lets just choose something or we mayas well go home'. This hit me - yes, we established that we were both 'hungry' (hungry and angry), I hate confrontation at the best of times and freeze up if anyone says anything negative towards or about me (you'd think I would've got over this being a secondary school teacher for the past six and a half years!). I was also getting annoyed at myself for not being able to make the decision - how hard could it be, it was breakfast for goodness sake!!
A handful of days, I've let myself sleep in (and I say let myself because it's amazing how when you decide to become self employed how much more pressure you put on yourself not to just 'sit around', you feel as if you should be doing something productive in almost every moment of the day). Again - anyone close to me knows that Ash does NOT sleep in. The reasons being a) my body clock is set for between 5.30-6.30am, it doesn't understand that sometimes your body and brain need a rest!, b) my routine to wake up and jump out of bed to throw on my runners or head to a pilates class, or just DO SOMETHING to keep occupied has been with me for years, and without it I go into over-drive and my coping skills go down the drain! c) When I do sleep in, I tell myself that i will just go for a run or something later - to which I spend ALL DAY procrastinating until I'm so exhausted that i just give up and do nothing (which let me tell you - my body doesn't understand that this is okay sometimes and gets 'ants in it's pants' x 25 as the day goes on). So again - it all links back to indecisiveness - what activity? where do I do it? when will I do it? - see, much easier to just wake up to a pre-planned routine to save the queen of indecision letting loose!!
Over this past year, I've had a few big decisions to make. I came to a point in my life where I needed to move forward from my Teaching career. Although some days I had such amazing and fulfilling experiences with students and staff, but most days I dread going on. Not because of any negative experience, it was largely because I yearned to direct my passions into my everyday work - I needed to satisfy the craving I had building inside me for the past few years to become a Health/Wellness Coach, Pilates & Fitness Instructor and run personal development workshops targeting young women. Writing this down, the decision to finish up the year at my Teaching job should have been easy - but it was extremely difficult, brought many sleepless nights, tears and anxiety driven moments. I wanted to be sure that I could of course being doing what my heart wanted me to do, but I also had to think clearly about the potential for financial burden, stress on my Fiancee and I's growing and special relationship and the effect of these on the 'life achievements' that we would have in coming years.
While trying to build my skill set for my new business venture, I am always 'on the prowl' for different 'spins and twists' that i can include in the business. This brought me (and continues to bring me - of which I'm certain my Fiancee rolls his eyes at each of my new 'expensive' ideas!), to certification courses in yoga, pilates specialisation, fitness specialisation, meditation.....this list is about one, one-hundredth of the 'ideas' I had. If time was not of the essence, and money was no issue - I would sign up for them all!! However - in my mind and being my age and stage in life - i had to consider buying a house, planning to have a family, being part of a married relationship and I felt as if I was being selfish the more 'vim & visor' I put into my planning.
The main cause of my indecisiveness is an inbuilt yearning to have to make sure that I am making the BEST decision. It has to be effective, the right timing, fit in with all of my other plans (daily, weekly yearly and even in the next handful of years!) and in effect - perfect.
So you've gathered that i'm a little bit of a perfectionist? Yes - and it makes life bloody tough sometimes!
What I have learnt through trying to deal with this sometimes paralysing thought process that goes on in my mind, was that one thing is certain - every decision is going to have 'pros and cons'. While it is important to weigh up the good and bad sides of decisions, it doesn't have to be weeks and weeks of anxiety and stress while you stand trying to balance on the 'solution sea-saw'.
One of the most helpful thing to me was to write it down.
1) Start by writing down the decision. Write down the pros and cons of STAYING where you are and not making any decision (**if this is an option)
2) Write down and brainstorm as many possible solutions (don't let your subconscious take over, just write EVERY solution).
3) Choose 3 of those solutions and write down the pros and cons for making that choice in your solution. (If I did this, then ......, If I did not do this, then......).
In terms of trying to keep that sneaky and consuming anxiety at bay - next time you find your mind ticking over like a fan on high speed on a sweltering, hot day - recognise the feeling. The thing about anxiety is that all it is, is a feeling/emotion. It will not be given life if you do not let it.
Start by noticing how you feel when you do get anxious. Maybe your heart rate will make your poor old heart feel like it wants to jump right out of your chest, more you're palms will get sweaty, you might start to get headaches or a feeling of nauseas, you might even start to get a bit of a tremble in your hands. Now you can recognise how it LOOKS - next time acknowledge this and just let it go. Try focussing on something else (or better yet - remember that gratitude list you started? Look back to that or try adding a few new things that might of happened recently). It's part of being mindful. Notice the feeling and just letting it go, not responding or letting it manifest.
So - getting past the fact that as much as you try, you are not always going to be perfect. There will always be positives and negatives about the choices you make. Since we were born, we have learnt from experience and making mistakes. At some point (or many points) in your life, you will make decisions that don't have a great outcome. The thing is - many times other doors will open from this experience (the people you meet, the processes you followed, the experiences you had), and you would've learnt some skills and knowledge which you can se in years to come.
As I write this - I'm sitting outside a cafe in the sunshine, sipping a soy latte...it just makes me scoff at how the anxiety of indecision can sometimes take over so much that you don't notice how good life really is. Everything truly is in front of you, and with some 'brain training', you can soak up every part of it!
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