As you’ve probably guessed from recent posts, I’ve been
suffering some pretty big anxiety and stress over everything from work, wedding
planning, guilt for not spending enough time with those close to me, afraid
that I am not making a good impression on those who I admire and even little
things such as a meet-up with someone, what I’m having for lunch or dinner and
which form of exercise to do each day!
Recently I have been speaking to an amazing ‘sound wall’ of
a Psychologist – and I urge you to be open to sharing your emotions or worries
with someone other than your immediate friends and family; it’s great because
they hold no prior judgement or have no emotional investment in you.
After a few weeks of ‘chat’s with him, we’ve been trying to
address the core causes of my anxieties, what triggers the severe kind and how
to prevent it from taking over things I do in the future. It turns out that
alongside my somewhat ‘perfectionist’ and people pleasing personality, I like
to have control and know exactly what is happening, when and how to react to it
if need be. It may sound silly when spoken out loud, but my subconscious had taken
such hold of my inner thoughts that every action, every thought or every idea
was taken to the ‘inner judge’ in me. Over the years, I hadn’t learnt how to
deal with things when they had gone wrong to be able to know within myself that
if things DO go wrong that I would be able to deal with it.
From a super loving, caring and happy childhood filled with
so much love from my parents, family, a few close friends and being around my
two younger siblings – there is no obvious reason for me to feel anxious.
However, as a coping mechanism for dealing with things that I am unsure about,
I had learnt to avoid the situation, plan meticulously around how to be best
prepared for it (I remember crying over going away with friends to what should
have been an adventurous trip away to the snow, or camping and rafting along
the Snowy River – worried that I had not packed everything, had not thought of everything
that might happen or even over-thinking all of the possible negative things
that could go wrong instead of even considering the awesome things that come
alongside weekends away with friends). Looking back – almost ALL of those
scenarios left me feeling so lucky to have experienced it (I know first-hand
from teaching disrupted families, poor families and families that have no interest
in each other’s being that there are
very FEW people who will EVER experience many of them) and they are memories
that will remain dear to me forever.
To keep things as ‘perfect’ and planned EACH day was vital
for me to remain in a sense of ‘normality’. I would set my alarm for the same
time each day to exercise (running or pilates) – which don’t get me wrong, isn’t
negative in many ways! I would pack my
lunches and snacks to know exactly what and when I was eating each day.
I would have ‘back- up stock’ of every item that I regularly used or consumed
to ensure that I wouldn’t be left without it by surprise one day (make-up,
perfumes, food, drinks, clothes etc) – which let me tell you can be expensive
when you are virtually buying twice as much as most people and in constant ‘on’
mode as soon as you head into the supermarket or shopping centre trying to remember
what you ‘may need’. I would NEVER sing aloud in front of people who meant anything
to me in case they did not like my voice and didn’t want to remain close to me –
silly, I know, particularly with my experience in theatre perfomances in the
past!!). I would decline invitations with friends for fear of getting home too
late, drinking too much or not being able to wake up fresh to do all of the
things I had planned to do the next day.
I have grown to the point where I do not even notice that my
negative thought processes take hold or have been using them as a justification
for my actions (or in some cases, NON actions when it gets too much) –
something had to change or I would be my own worst enemy and self-sabotaging
for the rest of my life, something that my family and friends did not deserve.
Writing everything down and speaking openly about something
I have kept inside my soul for many years is a start to real change and realising
how much this ‘small anxiety’ has taken over many parts of my life.
I thought I would share with you an exercise I have started
to use to ‘tone down’ this anxiety (it actually works and is such a powerful
and empowering exercise for anyone!):
Behavioural Experiment
– Start by ‘testing’ your subconscious beliefs about the negative things that
could potentially happen. The interesting thing is – MOST if not ALLL of your
predictions or thoughts on something are not even validated!
1)
Predictions
– What is your prediction of the event that is worrying you?
What
do you expect to happen?
How would you know if it came true?
E.g If I speak in public, I will shake so
much that people will notice and laugh at me. (Rate this in percentage how
strongly you believe this will happen).
2)
Experiment
– What experiment could test this prediction? (Where and when),
What safety behaviors will need to be
dropped?
How would you know whether your prediction
had come true?
E.g Speak up at the next meeting on Monday
(I could present some of the data that I have been meaning to show). I would
need to gesture with my hands, and not hold on to the table. I could ask
friends if they noticed my hands shaking when I talk.
3) Outcome
– What happened?
Was your prediction accurate?
E.g I was really nervous and very aware of
my hands. My friends said I spoke well and they could not see me shake.
4) Learning
– What did you learn?
How likely is it that your predictions will
happen in the future? (Rate how strongly you agree with your initial prediction
now in percentage).
E.g Although I feel nervous when speaking,
it is not as obvious to others at it is me.
Now – go and test it out!!! Think of a few
things that are worrying you, or that you notice that you are acting perhaps
out of character, things that give you butterflies or cause your shoulders and
face to stiffen up.
The key to this exercise is to do it as
often as you can. The more you can ‘prove’ to yourself that things are okay,
and more than just ‘your joining of the dots’ of what MIGHT happen in various
scenarios, the less anxious you will be. Your self-efficacy and confidence will
grow and as a result – you’ll be more motivated and willing to try new
challenges.
Who knows – those goals and visions you only
dreamed of could be much closer than you realise if only you took some time to
focus on your inner thoughts and reactions!
No comments:
Post a Comment