But something bothered me. And to be honest, I felt excruciatingly guilty that it bothered me and made me so uneasy.
I am so very lucky to have the life that I do - I have an absolutely beautiful, caring, loyal, trusting and soul matching man in my life. We get to look after his energetic, giggly, independent, footy loving 5 year old Son each Friday to Sunday. I have a full time job that pays all of my bills. I am in great health, have an amazing and supportive family and some good friends at which I can spend hours catching up and laughing over the silly things we have done in the week before our brunch and soy latte dates. I have found some new passions - of which excite me and turn any frown into a goofy 'my first boy crush', first time stepping out of the house wearing make-up grin - in Pilates, Wellness, Fitness and Health.
But something about having our little buddy around yelling in excitement of all the things we had to do today (which entailed get a milkshake, get some footy cards, play drive-way footy, play mini-golf, play some more drive-way footy in between the dropping in of the proud grandparents, Aunties and Uncles to visit him), and coming home to our humble little abode where every square inch of the floor was filled with toys, footy cards and clothes just made me uncomfortable. I desperately wanted to get into a new career path. I knew what area I wanted to head, as I embarked on my quest to become a Life/Wellness Coach, P.T and Pilates Instructor as well as having an active blog and corresponding social media sites, websites and online courses - but fitting this in with full time work, training, studying, family and social life was proving very difficult.
I suppose I was partly frustrated and nervous about the fact that I wanted to change my career in many ways, and I was worried about fitting the time in when I am only now a 'weekend Mum' - yet I still wanted to have a family of my own in years to come. It worried me and gave me a sense of guilt for taking the frustrations out on the little ray of sunshine around our place - but life certainly become a little more hectic and you had to be very giving and sharing of the space and time you once had. I just wanted to make sure I could make the changes necessary to bound into my new career path with great success, but not at the expense of the things that are dear and important to me - my family, friends and passions.
I have learnt from experience that going in head first until the point that you can't breathe, and every spare moment you get from the training/study time you only want to spend by yourself to give your over-active mind a rest, as you fall asleep or collapse on the couch (usually with a headache or sore throat of a run-down and looming illness on your doorstep), so I know the value of being able to give yourself some space and time to catch up and relax with friends and family. It gives you the space to remind you of what matters in life, and re-charges your soul to get back to business - rather than simply forcing yourself to go through the motions day in, day out.
Anyway - after our early walk up the street to start the days 'to-do list' according to our five year old, I felt a tightness in my throat and little sneaky tear starting to well at the back of my eye and a little tiny 'grumpy snap' towards my laid back man, as I started to worry about how I would fit my passion into my life. Of course, if full time work wasn't on the scene, there would be a lot more time to fulfill these. But until my passions became my work, that was not an option. I tried to go through the thought process of how I might fit this passion and career change into my life considering the non-negotiables - family time and full time work being the two biggest.
Weekends were generally filled with jobs you don't have time to do during the week, keeping the little guy occupied, training hours, driving time (I will happily pay someone to invent a teleportation device 50% of my life earnings!!!!) and trying to potentially grab a coffee or wine with a girlfriend.
That generally left finding a window of time either between teaching Physical Education and Health classes, counselling the Year 7 students through 'he said, she said and she looked at me' issues, driving, spending some alone time with my main man, cooking and preparing meals or after a busy day of waking at 5.15am - I'll admit, it was proving to be difficult. It would be okay if we could switch on our inspiration and creative juices on demand - but unfortunately it doesn't work like that.
You almost need to let your brain escape, get out of the house, get yourself into a meditative state and clean out the thoughts of life with a broom and shovel.
Today - I used the driving between Pilates and home (about a 45minute round trip) to think of a burning issue that has happened to me over the last few days for today's blog. It worked - partly because I had all of these guilty and creatively frustrated vibes seeping through my veins this morning, and a blog just had to be used as a therapeutic outlet. But squeezing in the rest is still in progress.
For now - I need to take a breathe, look at the amazing things that are in my life and dabble into the various passions and missions I have given myself when I can.
We, and I are human - life is here for living, not freaking out about and wasting it worrying about all of the things that it should be or needs to be.
I am lucky. I know it.
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