How a conversation in the supermarket changed everything.....

I just returned form the supermarket where I was dawning around, pressing my lips tightly in deep thought over what I should make for dinner - when a group of three twenty-something girls gasped and one whispered to a level that was easily heard by most of aisle three "Oh - there she is!". The three girls stopped in their tracks and looked back at me, one whispered to the other two "Do you want to get a photo with me?".
I turned back - initially not sure what they were talking about, and caught them mid place looking at me and whispering to one another. I continued to check out the spice section and could see and hear them out of the corner of my eye whispering and staring and started to get a bit 'nervy' and had a few sneaky butterflies in my stomach, as I felt my cheeks start to blush and pulse start to raise.

I continued on as the thoughts started to race through my mind. Why the hell were they looking at me? What was I wearing, did it look ridiculous? (Surely they had seen a pair of running tights, runners and a white singlet before!!?). Had they seen me doing something somewhere and recognised me as a 'wow - look at that weird' passer-by? Had they known me from somewhere? (Kind of weird that they would want to take a photo with me if that was the case - a general 'Hey there or Hi would have done!). Had they perhaps read my blog or followed my instagram page @_thewelllife_  and recognised me? (Don't be so stupid - you are not a celeb lady, pull your head in!!).

It was puzzling me for the rest of the shopping trip (enough to the point that when I did eventually get home, I had forgotten half of the ingredients that I'd started putting together for tonight's dinner - guess it's stir fry with no noodles or tofu!!), and I remained in a state of wonder and anxious excitement, with a hint of feeling down in the dumps.

It did get me to start thinking about being more mindful of my thoughts, actions and responses. I had been working on trying to re-program my thoughts over the past few weeks to try and break out of the 'instant negativity' that had over-grown my brain like a crawling weed in my Grandma's backyard. In this case - the girls were clearly looking at me and talking, which left me feeling really uncomfortable, particularly as I couldn't quite hear the details of their giggly discussion.
My initial reaction was to think the worst as I felt my should start to lift closer towards my head, my body tense up and my expression turn to an almost tensely and over-concentrated look. I was so nervous and anxious to be honest!

Being able to step away from the situation and think about what happened, who they were, what they said, how they said it and how my body and thoughts started to react to it.
My brain instantly felt a sense of 'safety' in it's usual way of thinking and told myself that it was definitely a negative perspective; they must of seen you do something stupid in the past or noticed that you looked or acted in an unusual 'that's different' kind of way. Why would it be anything other than that?
The thing was - although it took me back and made me feel extremely uncomfortable and undeserving; who's to say that they hadn't read something I had written or posted? What gives my mind the right to take that excitement away from me and let me enjoy the moment of something that means a lot to me, that I have been working so hard towards building? Who says that I don't deserve to keep a small (yeah, ok, VERY small!) positive outcome of the work I had been doing?

It's funny - as a society, we are very quick to judge and to critique anyone who is either in the spotlight, who has achieved something or who is working they way into developing a brand or name for themselves (commonly known as 'the tall poppy syndrome'). I've sat in a group and pretended to be a 'fly on the wall', as I just listened to the conversations others have had about certain people and things that they had done. It's quite astounding how high the percentage of negative criticism takes over the large part of the conversation, compared to the one or two sentences that may be more positive, forgiving, realistic and reasonable, when much of the time that person of the conversation has done nothing wrong apart from getting their name to be hitting the line up of 'dinner table conversations'.
I won't say that I have never taken part in this type of conversation, it is partly human nature to be interested in delving into other people's lives - but 90% of the time I am very conscious not to. The reason being - we have NO idea of how they got to where they are, who they are as a 'real person' and the hardships they may have come across to get to where they are now. Everyone has their story and deserves to be given the respect and praise that they have usually worked hard to develop.
Part of human nature and the way that we learn is through experience, so even if it was the case that the person did something in the past that wasn't the 'best' option - who cares? Learn from it and MOVE ON!!

These criticisms have grown to not only be towards others in society, but how do we expect to think about ourselves in a positive light if we cannot do so for anyone else?
One thing that many of us have grown to learn is to never be 'too confident', 'too happy' or 'too appreciative' of ourselves. It's terrible. And it is this thought process that leads many of us to develop huge confidence issues, mental health issues and an inability to trust ourselves enough to set challenges that we would never dream of. To think positively about your own self stems off towards those around you. Conversations turn from such negativity to more positive - including those conversations we have inside our own 'crazy' minds.

So - as I drove down the road home from the supermarket, I decided that I would take my last option of thoughts. I'd leave thinking that the attention was for something positive; maybe the development of my business (it's funny, as I write this now I almost feel a sense of embarrassment, similar to that feeling of giving a speech in front of class at school!) and the related blog and instagram posts.

At the end of the day - not one other person knows what I am thinking. The person who benefits from this is ME. I would much rather go to sleep tonight giving myself a mini high five and feeling like a giggling school girl, than slouching under my covers of my bed in the fear of something that the girls (who - I don't even know, so what right do they have in making me feel upset?!) MAY have said.

Be mindful. Listen to the thoughts in your mind and the physical response of your body - now focus on improving this. Before long, you will learn to do it naturally and let me tell you - a much happier, confident and better person to yourself and those close to you.

Xxx

Decisions....why are they SO HARD!!! Helpful hints to leave indecision at bay.

Decisions - if they never had to be made, I would be happy! Those close to me would understand just how indecisive I am (and I'm sure it's hereditary as my Mum and Sister are exactly the same - driving their partners crazy!). Not just about big decisions (career moves, where to live, where to start when looking to start a business), but even the smallest of the small types of decisions.

In recent times, I have been at the stage that it has even caused small arguments and tears were called upon to try and fix the situation with my Beautiful Fiancee because I just can't choose!!

Here are a few examples of my conundrum.... a couple of weekends ago we were walking the streets for a place to go to for breakfast after a night out (yes, I admit - a little seedy and hungover after the wicked engagement celebrations of a friend which did not help things!), my man would look to me and question 'how about this one?', 'This one?', 'or maybe here?'. The choices were there, it should've just been a matter or saying 'yeah, smashed avocado on sourdough' - but in my mind - the more we looked the harder it was. We were both starving and getting quite 'hungry' to say the least, and my prolonging of our sustenance was making things uncomfortable. Before long my very patient boyfriend got agitated and bluntly said 'Oh - lets just choose something or we mayas well go home'. This hit me - yes, we established that we were both 'hungry' (hungry and angry), I hate confrontation at the best of times and freeze up if anyone says anything negative towards or about me (you'd think I would've got over this being a secondary school teacher for the past six and a half years!). I was also getting annoyed at myself for not being able to make the decision - how hard could it be, it was breakfast for goodness sake!!

A handful of days, I've let myself sleep in (and I say let myself because it's amazing how when you decide to become self employed how much more pressure you put on yourself not to just 'sit around', you feel as if you should be doing something productive in almost every moment of the day). Again - anyone close to me knows that Ash does NOT sleep in. The reasons being a) my body clock is set for between 5.30-6.30am, it doesn't understand that sometimes your body and brain need a rest!, b) my routine to wake up and jump out of bed to throw on my runners or head to a pilates class, or just DO SOMETHING to keep occupied has been with me for years, and without it I go into over-drive and my coping skills go down the drain! c) When I do sleep in, I tell myself that i will just go for a run or something later - to which I spend ALL DAY procrastinating until I'm so exhausted that i just give up and do nothing (which let me tell you - my body doesn't understand that this is okay sometimes and gets 'ants in it's pants' x 25 as the day goes on). So again - it all links back to indecisiveness - what activity? where do I do it? when will I do it? - see, much easier to just wake up to a pre-planned routine to save the queen of indecision letting loose!!

Over this past year, I've had a few big decisions to make. I came to a point in my life where I needed to move forward from my Teaching career. Although some days I had such amazing and fulfilling experiences with students and staff, but most days I dread going on. Not because of any negative experience, it was largely because I yearned to direct my passions into my everyday work - I needed to satisfy the craving I had building inside me for the past few years to become a Health/Wellness Coach, Pilates & Fitness Instructor and run personal development workshops targeting young women. Writing this down, the decision to finish up the year at my Teaching job should have been easy - but it was extremely difficult, brought many sleepless nights, tears and anxiety driven moments. I wanted to be sure that I could of course being doing what my heart wanted me to do, but I also had to think clearly about the potential for financial burden, stress on my Fiancee and I's growing and special relationship and the effect of these on the 'life achievements' that we would have in coming years.

While trying to build my skill set for my new business venture, I am always 'on the prowl' for different 'spins and twists' that i can include in the business. This brought me (and continues to bring me - of which I'm certain my Fiancee rolls his eyes at each of my new 'expensive' ideas!), to certification courses in yoga, pilates specialisation, fitness specialisation, meditation.....this list is about one, one-hundredth of the 'ideas' I had. If time was not of the essence, and money was no issue - I would sign up for them all!! However - in my mind and being my age and stage in life - i had to consider buying a house, planning to have a family, being part of a married relationship and I felt as if I was being selfish the more 'vim & visor' I put into my planning.

The main cause of my indecisiveness is an inbuilt yearning to have to make sure that I am making the BEST decision. It has to be effective, the right timing, fit in with all of my other plans (daily, weekly yearly and even in the next handful of years!) and in effect - perfect.
So you've gathered that i'm a little bit of a perfectionist? Yes - and it makes life bloody tough sometimes!

What I have learnt through trying to deal with this sometimes paralysing thought process that goes on in my mind, was that one thing is certain - every decision is going to have 'pros and cons'. While it is important to weigh up the good and bad sides of decisions, it doesn't have to be weeks and weeks of anxiety and stress while you stand trying to balance on the 'solution sea-saw'.

One of the most helpful thing to me was to write it down.
1) Start by writing down the decision. Write down the pros and cons of STAYING where you are and not making any decision (**if this is an option)
2) Write down and brainstorm as many possible solutions (don't let your subconscious take over, just write EVERY solution).
3) Choose 3 of those solutions and write down the pros and cons for making that choice in your solution. (If I did this, then ......, If I did not do this, then......).

In terms of trying to keep that sneaky and consuming anxiety at bay - next time you find your mind ticking over like a fan on high speed on a sweltering, hot day - recognise the feeling. The thing about anxiety is that all it is, is a feeling/emotion. It will not be given life if you do not let it.
Start by noticing how you feel when you do get anxious. Maybe your heart rate will make your poor old heart feel like it wants to jump right out of your chest, more you're palms will get sweaty, you might start to get headaches or a feeling of nauseas, you might even start to get a bit of a tremble in your hands. Now you can recognise how it LOOKS - next time acknowledge this and just let it go. Try focussing on something else (or better yet - remember that gratitude list you started? Look back to that or try adding a few new things that might of happened recently). It's part of being mindful. Notice the feeling and just letting it go, not responding or letting it manifest.

So - getting past the fact that as much as you try, you are not always going to be perfect. There will always be positives and negatives about the choices you make. Since we were born, we have learnt from experience and making mistakes. At some point (or many points) in your life, you will make decisions that don't have a great outcome. The thing is - many times other doors will open from this experience (the people you meet, the processes you followed, the experiences you had), and you would've learnt some skills and knowledge which you can se in years to come.

As I write this - I'm sitting outside a cafe in the sunshine, sipping a soy latte...it just makes me scoff at how the anxiety of indecision can sometimes take over so much that you don't notice how good life really is. Everything truly is in front of you, and with some 'brain training', you can soak up every part of it!

Money, high profile jobs......will they really make us 'happy'?

After watching a documentary called 'Happy' a couple of weeks ago, I was very intrigued at the way that every nation in the world places different levels of importance on things such as happiness, money earned, social status and material possessions.

Basically, the documentary went into explaining how most developed nations, such as ourselves, put so much emphasis on having high paid jobs, owning large houses and new cars, being able to supply our family with the best possible life experiences and being able to experience worldwide travel regularly, that we were putting our health into great jeopardy.
The Japanese, since world war two when they were forced to recover from severe financial loss, by approaching everyday with incredible long work hours and an almost absent amount of rest and leisure time. This has served them well in the sense that over the last decade, they have been one of the biggest players in the business and finance world, however it has come at a great cost.

The effect of having no time to socialise, to priority on making themselves happy as well as pushing themselves to the limit in the amount of effort and time they put into making money; has left many people with mental disorders (anxiety and depression), high blood pressure, high risk of cardiovascular disease and some cancers, an increased risk of substance abuse, severe fatigue, decreased motivation in general life as well as an increased amount of absenteeism in the workplace. As much as 75% of Japanese people view their jobs as stressful.
These negative effects are leading to earlier death, which the Japanese have names 'Kiroshi'.

In comparison, the documentary showed other nations and cities who prioritise community connectedness, happiness and leisure time. These nations had higher levels of 'rated happiness', a reduced amount of illness' and disease and seemed to enjoy the life they lived, all with an ear to ear smile across their faces.

It made me think about the amount of pressure we put on ourselves to have such material possessions, earn higher amounts of money and have greater social status. What positive effects do these actually bring? Are we happy working hours past our working day, not spending time with our family and friends and removing ourselves from our sense of 'self' to achieve these so-called 'priorities'?

According to the documentary, despite the increased amount of money and employment we are reaching since the days of the financial crisis during the war, our levels of happiness, mental health and satisfaction with life have not made any sort of marked increase.

Please don't get me wrong - I do know of people who earn quite a bit and are very busy in their field of work - some of which LOVE it. If you are one of the super lucky ones who jumps out of bed each day into a job (which many have worked for and have made something for themselves through their own passions) that is time consuming at the best of times, but fulfilling, challenging and makes you happy - we are all jealous!!

So why not ask yourself. What is important to you? What makes you really happy? If your answer is encouraging you to look past money and high profile jobs, but look around at life.

Without life, is life really worth living and making us content? When was the last time you really laughed??
XXxx

How to stay healthy and happy throughout the silly season!

So we have finally hit that time of year when 'the silly season' is let loose! The party and social life lift, the amount of alcoholic celebratory beverages and Christmas cakes are in abundance, and the time we have available to keep our regular fitness routine seems to be slimming!!
As much as I love this time of year, it isn't easy to keep maintaining that fitness and healthy eating regime like the remainder of the year!

So here are some tips to try and help you stay on track, feeling awesome, energetic and full of Summer holiday vigor.

- Make your exercise a priority. Set your alarm for an hour earlier (even 30 minutes earlier will do if you can't bear to lose that precious sleep!). Summer days are longer, so you've got an extra hour up your sleeve in both the morning and evening -
hooray!!

- Make time to reflect on the year that has just gone, and think about what you hope to bring into the new year ahead. Start by writing down a list of ten great things that happened to you over the course of the year (however big or small - I know there are things there!!), then write down a list of NEW goals you would like to reach next year (remember to make them Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Timely) - you may have one GINORMOUS list, so try and reduce it to five maximum to keep your sanity!, now stick those goals up somewhere you walk past or look at each day to keep motivated, passionate and reminded about the path you wish to create.

- Enlist in the support of a friend or 'fitness buddy'. At least if you have someone to meet you, call you to drag you away from the couch or bed when you may be feeling a little seedy from the previous nights festivities, that sometimes over-riding 'lazy bones' in you will have to put up a good fight to not meet up with your friend!

-Try something different. This time of year usually brings gorgeous Summer sunshine, warmer temperatures and longer daylight hours. make the most of the great outdoors and go hiking, take a friend to a 'come and try' Canoe or Kayak session (Many local bays, rivers and national parks will have contact numbers...or think about joining in an established club!), Many city parks offer free (or cheap) twilight dancing sessions to tone those legs & meet some fun crew, head down to your local outdoor pool or beach and do a few laps (even if you grab a kick-board and simply kick, it's awesome for your legs!), jump on board the Aussie sports bandwagon and grab a few friends to have a hit of tennis or play some street cricket, or try your luck while getting some sun playing a round of golf!

- Don't go to a party or gathering hungry. You'll be more likely to reach for the pastries or sweet cakes! If it helps, always carry around some unsalted nuts, fruit, chopped vegies and handy healthy snacks to nibble on if you do get hungry. By the time you get home you won't be so ravenous that you reach for the first thing you set your eyes on.

- Start growing your own vegies. It sounds small, but the more your grow, the more excited you will get to grab some nice clean, natural and flavor filled herbs and vegies from the backyard to impress your friends with at dinner parties! The extra sunshine will make the up-keep outdoors much more enticing.

- I know you've probably all heard this before but space out those drinks with some water or soda water (add some fresh lime or lemon if that helps to pick up the flavor!). Even if you do happen to get caught up in the festive spirit, you won't wake up with a tongue feeling like sandpaper and a throbbing headache from dehydration. You'll be much more likely to get up to join your friend for a Saturday run if you're feeling relatively fresh and hydrated!! Believe me! Or better yet - look up some yummy mocktails to share around!

- When you feel a sense of 'burnout' coming along (and do not worry - you are NOT the only one!), you might feel fatigued, uninspired, flat, anxious, depressed and irritable - give yourself the okay to have a couple of quiet nights in or days relaxing in the outdoors. This time of year brings lots of parties, Christmas day preparations, gift purchasing, socializing, catching up with people before holidays, work deadlines and the rest! It is hectic to say the least; acknowledge when you need to just say no and give yourself some space to recharge. You don't want to turn into 'The Grinch'!

- Remember to count your blessings, take note of positive things that happen each day and even reflect on the reasons why they happened. Sometimes we get so caught up in what is happening around us and making sure that everything and everyone is running smoothly that we lose ourselves and begin to focus more on the negative. Write down 3 things that happened to you that were positive EACH DAY before bed, and next to them record why they occurred. Often this is a way of linking things back to something you did/said so it helps to give us a pat on the back every now and again or to see why things went well (so we can simulate our behavior again).

I'm sure many of you have got a few tricks up your sleeve that you use each year and I would love to hear them!

Just remember - if you do have an occasion or two when you do get a little too 'excited', don't kick yourself. You're allowed to let your hair down and enjoy yourself a little!!

Bring on Summer!!!!!!
Xxx

I'm not perfect - and who cares! How to get the courage to try something new.

For much of my life - I've held myself back from pushing myself to 'the next step'. The next step meaning things that are seemingly small; what to make for dinner or can I try out a new yoga or fitness place if I haven't tried it before and know that I can do it? To something more on the larger scale - not trying out for State netball teams in high school or not giving a burning business idea a 'real go' for fear of it not working.

What I have learnt - or perhaps I should say continue to learn (as it pops up on regular occasions despite my understanding of what my on thoughts  are trying to do to my actions!), is that it is important to get over the fact that you will never be perfect and great at everything.

Sorry to burst your bubble - but it is not possible. Of course, some people may SEEM to be on top of everything, successful in everything they put their hand up for or simply just 'good' in EVERY aspect of their lives - but trust me, these people have got a lot more going on than you may realize. Somewhere hidden away from prying eyes and people who see them on a day to day basis, they have got their own demons, their own battles - they just choose to never open themselves up to anyone in fear of losing their 'perfect persona'.

One thing that time and time again - I struggle with, and an inner burning that builds from the deepest part of my stomach is trying NEW things. I'll admit - I am a perfectionist to an extent; something I have shared with you before. I like to be good or at least reasonable at things when I try them - particularly when it involves other people being around.

It's funny - although in no way do I blame anything or anyone for this thought process except my own sense of reasoning - I always remember my Mum's words ringing in my head when we washed the car as kids or vacuumed the floors "If you're going to do a job, make sure you do it PROPERLY"...harmless and in every  intention it was prompting us not to be lazy or 'miss' very obvious bits of our weekly chores, but it's a saying that has been around for so many  years  and used by so many families that it becomes partly ingrained in our thinking! It's funny to laugh at it now - but it just  makes you reflect on how society has been socially built over the years.

People who are successful (good at what they do or who they are), are often seen to be in a sense 'better' in the social hierarchy than those who seem to struggle with theirs.
Think about it for a moment and picture this - 'Tara' is one of the best Pilates instructors at  a studio, she has a resume of qualifications and experiences as long as you could see, she has three different careers in the health field (each one she is at the top of her field), she has a loving husband, has had two 'Bond's model - like' twin girls, has a figure and looks of a supermodel and is incredibly lovely in personality.
'Tegan' has moved from job to job over the past ten years, she has been studying part time for the past three years, has two kids (one has Autism), their Father left  them last year, she has no time to cook 'healthy' meals and even less to get  out and exercise. She just  can't seem to get ahead financially and lives pay to pay each week.

Which of the two do you think holds higher stature in society? Which of the two do you think has 'the better' life? Which do you think people will 'want to be like'? Which do you think is happy?

You know what - it is Tegan. Behind closed doors, Tara is depressed. Her relationship with her  husband is not as good as it used to be, she feels as if she has no time to do the things she really wants to do and her twin daughters never sleep.

Interesting.

Anyway - the point to my story is that nobody is ever perfect. If you let the fear of not being good at something prevent you from trying it - you will never reach your full potential, you will never feel fulfilled and you will never grow in confidence as you extend and develop your skills in whatever field you try. Do you think an Olympic athlete got to where they are because someone just 'knew' they would win a gold medal as they walked past them on the street? No - at one point, they turned to their event, gave it a go and found that with hard work, they had some talent.
Do you think that every high flying business owner got to where they are in ONE attempt? Of course not - although it doesn't get preached about in public too often - most if not all of them attempted several business ideas or career choices and FAILED before  they go to where they are now.

As babies and even adults - we learn by making mistakes. After getting not one, but two speeding tickets in the SAME place this year, I drive almost  'Grandma-like' now knowing that I am avoiding paying a wasteful amount of money to the state government. Fights with friends or parents, or getting in to trouble at school, stepping out of line at home - you get told off, you learn from it, you move forward as someone who is much wiser.

Many people put a 'protective barrier' up and either don't try or avoid the situation where they may have to attempt the thing that they either a) know they  are not great  at, or b) have no idea how they will go because it is foreign to them.
How in the world will you EVER know what you could be GREAT at it you put your 'safe guard' up everything an opportunity comes along in fear  of not being able to succeed?

If you're like me - you will OVERTHINK  everything until you get the the stage where  you talk yourself out of trying or doing it and never get  to experience something that could potentially be awesome!

Accept that it is okay to fail. Accept that if you are building a new skill - every other person who has tried it for the first time would have been in the same situation as you initially, but have just started to fine-tune their skills. We learn from mistakes, we learn from experiences and we learn from time.

So - put those niggling, over-analytical voices to bed, be okay with not being perfect (not ONE person in the world is!!), and know that who you  are makes you YOU. Give that next goal, activity, career jump, challenge, new skill or crack - you just might be amazing or at the very least, find something you actually LOVE!!

Self esteem tool kit - 5 quick tricks to do every day!

Just as we have a 'tool kit' for fixing household problems or general maintenance....why not have a 'Self esteem tool kit'?
Self esteem is one of the biggest things that can impact our outlook on life, which therefore will have an enormous effect on our overall happiness, satisfaction and the ability to have the confidence to challenge ourselves and follow our dreams, goals or passions.

So here are a few things to ensure you are staying on-track and simply not being your own worst enemy; which is harder than you would think!!

•  1) Don’t ever compare yourself to others...you are you. You control your actions and thoughts only. If you are always trying to be better than ‘the other girls’, you’ll never be happy with yourself. Many women hold this ‘comparative attitude’ for many years, and sadly it can lead to being in unhappy relationships, not doing things that they enjoy (and doing them because everyone else is!), and never feeling ‘good enough’ to have the confidence to believe they can achieve the goals and dreams they really want.
• 2) Recognise that mistakes are part of life. I challenge you to think of one person who has never made a mistake in their life.....??? Everyone makes mistakes. It may be big, it may be small. But it is how we learn as humans!!! Does anyone have a younger brother or sister?? Have you ever seen them do something ‘naughty’ or ‘dangerous’ (perhaps reaching up to touch a hot water pot, running across a busy road?). From when you were born, you were learning how to ‘live’. As much as we like to think that we have everything covered by the time we get to ‘adult-hood’, we NEVER stop learning!! Even the world’s smartest person is always learning new things! The key is that when you do make a mistake; you learn from the outcome or consequence.
• 3)Think and speak positively: If we always look at life with ‘the glass half full’, refuse to accept friendly compliments from others, think of the worst possible outcome of something we are about to do and tell ourselves that ‘we can’t’ – what do you think our inner thoughts are going to be doing to our attitudes and confidence??? That’s right – think positive, speak positively about yourself (don’t accept negative thoughts from anyone, including yourself!!).
• .4) Surround yourself with positive people: If there are people in your life that seem to be always negative about the things you do or say, and seem to be only doing things to ‘help themselves’ (also known as 'frenemies'!!). Perhaps its worth considering spending less time with them? I have been in many situations where you can be as happy and optimistic as can be, but constant exposure to people around you who always look at the bad side and seem to only talk about things as ‘such a drag’ on life....it is most definitely going to have an effect on you.
• 5) Give yourself regular rewards and a ‘pat on the back’. Every small step is a step forward. Give yourself a pat on the back, smile to yourself or take yourself out to do something you enjoy for something you did well. Yes – it is definitely ok, and much research has shown that regular small ‘rewards’ (perhaps its taking some time out to go out for coffee/hot choccy with your friends or buying yourself a new dress or magazine!), are often more effective than waiting until you can do something really big (perhaps a long term goal you reached – which of course is just as awesome!) to praise and reward yourself. Sometimes a small smile to yourself as you say “well done chick!” can be all you need to pick up your mood and confidence for the entire day!
• 
• So write down the key dot points, post them onto your mirror to look each morning while you get ready to be the best and most confident you!

 Xxx

How consuming anxiety can be and some tools to HELP YOU move forward....

As you’ve probably guessed from recent posts, I’ve been suffering some pretty big anxiety and stress over everything from work, wedding planning, guilt for not spending enough time with those close to me, afraid that I am not making a good impression on those who I admire and even little things such as a meet-up with someone, what I’m having for lunch or dinner and which form of exercise to do each day!

Recently I have been speaking to an amazing ‘sound wall’ of a Psychologist – and I urge you to be open to sharing your emotions or worries with someone other than your immediate friends and family; it’s great because they hold no prior judgement or have no emotional investment in you.

After a few weeks of ‘chat’s with him, we’ve been trying to address the core causes of my anxieties, what triggers the severe kind and how to prevent it from taking over things I do in the future. It turns out that alongside my somewhat ‘perfectionist’ and people pleasing personality, I like to have control and know exactly what is happening, when and how to react to it if need be. It may sound silly when spoken out loud, but my subconscious had taken such hold of my inner thoughts that every action, every thought or every idea was taken to the ‘inner judge’ in me. Over the years, I hadn’t learnt how to deal with things when they had gone wrong to be able to know within myself that if things DO go wrong that I would be able to deal with it.

From a super loving, caring and happy childhood filled with so much love from my parents, family, a few close friends and being around my two younger siblings – there is no obvious reason for me to feel anxious. However, as a coping mechanism for dealing with things that I am unsure about, I had learnt to avoid the situation, plan meticulously around how to be best prepared for it (I remember crying over going away with friends to what should have been an adventurous trip away to the snow, or camping and rafting along the Snowy River – worried that I had not packed everything, had not thought of everything that might happen or even over-thinking all of the possible negative things that could go wrong instead of even considering the awesome things that come alongside weekends away with friends). Looking back – almost ALL of those scenarios left me feeling so lucky to have experienced it (I know first-hand from teaching disrupted families, poor families and families that have no interest in each other’s being that there  are very FEW people who will EVER experience many of them) and they are memories that will remain dear to me forever.

To keep things as ‘perfect’ and planned EACH day was vital for me to remain in a sense of ‘normality’. I would set my alarm for the same time each day to exercise (running or pilates) – which don’t get me wrong, isn’t negative in many ways! I would pack my  lunches and snacks to know exactly what and when I was eating each day. I would have ‘back- up stock’ of every item that I regularly used or consumed to ensure that I wouldn’t be left without it by surprise one day (make-up, perfumes, food, drinks, clothes etc) – which let me tell you can be expensive when you are virtually buying twice as much as most people and in constant ‘on’ mode as soon as you head into the supermarket or shopping centre trying to remember what you ‘may need’. I would NEVER sing aloud in front of people who meant anything to me in case they did not like my voice and didn’t want to remain close to me – silly, I know, particularly with my experience in theatre perfomances in the past!!). I would decline invitations with friends for fear of getting home too late, drinking too much or not being able to wake up fresh to do all of the things I had planned to do the next day.

I have grown to the point where I do not even notice that my negative thought processes take hold or have been using them as a justification for my actions (or in some cases, NON actions when it gets too much) – something had to change or I would be my own worst enemy and self-sabotaging for the rest of my life, something that my family and friends did not deserve.

Writing everything down and speaking openly about something I have kept inside my soul for many years is a start to real change and realising how much this ‘small anxiety’ has taken over many parts of my life.

I thought I would share with you an exercise I have started to use to ‘tone down’ this anxiety (it actually works and is such a powerful and empowering exercise for anyone!):

Behavioural Experiment – Start by ‘testing’ your subconscious beliefs about the negative things that could potentially happen. The interesting thing is – MOST if not ALLL of your predictions or thoughts on something are not even validated!

1)      Predictions – What is your prediction of the event that is worrying you?

 What do you expect to happen?

How would you know if it came true?

E.g If I speak in public, I will shake so much that people will notice and laugh at me. (Rate this in percentage how strongly you believe this will happen).

2)      Experiment – What experiment could test this prediction? (Where and when),

What safety behaviors will need to be dropped?

How would you know whether your prediction had come true?

E.g Speak up at the next meeting on Monday (I could present some of the data that I have been meaning to show). I would need to gesture with my hands, and not hold on to the table. I could ask friends if they noticed my hands shaking when I talk.

3) Outcome – What happened?

Was your prediction accurate?

E.g I was really nervous and very aware of my hands. My friends said I spoke well and they could not see me shake.

4) Learning – What did you learn?

How likely is it that your predictions will happen in the future? (Rate how strongly you agree with your initial prediction now in percentage).

E.g Although I feel nervous when speaking, it is not as obvious to others at it is me.

 

Now – go and test it out!!! Think of a few things that are worrying you, or that you notice that you are acting perhaps out of character, things that give you butterflies or cause your shoulders and face to stiffen up.

The key to this exercise is to do it as often as you can. The more you can ‘prove’ to yourself that things are okay, and more than just ‘your joining of the dots’ of what MIGHT happen in various scenarios, the less anxious you will be. Your self-efficacy and confidence will grow and as a result – you’ll be more motivated and willing to try new challenges.

Who knows – those goals and visions you only dreamed of could be much closer than you realise if only you took some time to focus on your inner thoughts and reactions!