Since I was little, I remember the saying "If you do a job, do it greatly or don't do it at all" resonating in my mind from my parents. A great saying for most - although combined with my perfectionist and goal driven personality, I feel as if I seem to of all of a sudden hit a 'crisis point'; perhaps the newly emerging 'quarter life crisis'.
For years, I've always made sure I did well at school, I worked to my full potential, I always worked hard to please others (be it friends, family, the workplace, the sporting field...), I started to climb my way up the career ladder and once I reached a long term goal - I aimed for something even bigger.
Of course - I came to hit a few very large hurdles along the way; my biggest being a severe bout of mental health issues; depression, anxiety and an eating disorder. All of which I have definitely learnt a lot from (and of course, has become a goal of mine to make sure each of you do not follow down that same dark and un-memorable path!). Much research suggests that a perfectionist or 'Type A' personality person tends to be at higher risk of developing these horrible illness', which seem to stem from doing everything so perfectly that you start to feel unfulfilled and out of control.
Recently - I feel as if my life has come to a stand still. I have achieved a lot that I am proud of and experienced many amazing memories of which many people may never get to experience. For those - I am very proud and content about. However, I feel that after all the direction, goals, commitment, sacrifices, differing priorities to many of my friends and craving for achievement and recognition; I have somehow missed perhaps the biggest and most important pieces of my life puzzle.
For so long - my life has been about making my mark on the world - which I still want to do!!!
I am now 28, pushing the age of when my friends and much of society are getting married, starting families (yes - unfortunately a woman's biological clock is ticking if we want to ensure our offspring are born healthy and without birth defects - yet another thing that men can get away with.....surely periods and having to carry/give birth to a child the size of a water melon is bad enough!!), and feel as if I don't actually have the things that complete me or make me want to bounce out of bed with excitement and a sense of feeling needed.
Of course - I have some brilliant friends, and I do love a great coffee or brunch catch up with the girls, but it suddenly dawned on me - am I ever going to have a life companion and be able to start the family I always imagined I would have before I am 30!!?? When the weekend comes, and your friends are all busy with their own families or partner, it is quite daunting to think that somewhere along the lines, you may have missed your chance to have the same thing?
I feel as if I have pushed people away for so long in my quest to achieve my goals or daily tasks, that I have forgotten how to trust, love and be 'flexible' or spontaneous with people.
I have had a go at 'life', travelled the world, bought (and sold) a house, purchased a new car, reached higher levels within the workplace, trained for and competed in various distance sporting events, bungee jumped, sky-dived, skinny - dipped.......but now - despite a list of great memories and achievements, I still feel in-complete and 'lost'. Being independent has always been fine for me; as I was so buried in work, training and 'achieving', until now.
I think I am at a point where I need someone to just 'be there'.
According to
http://thefuckitlife.com/, a humorous look at just saying "F**k it" to the world and all the 'supposed problems' we are supposed to come across, sometimes all you need to look at is what you have, how you feel and if it doesn't bother you to do what you actually want to do, then do it!! Who cares what the world thinks!!
The problems with the 'pre- thirty years'!!! Maybe it's just easier to pack up and travel the world again!!
Xxx
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